my phone needs a breathalizer
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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