I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I currently don't understand fingers.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
