That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
