lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
