so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
