does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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