My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
