Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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