I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Your penis caused this!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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