I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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