The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
