dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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