There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
