Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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