so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
