It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
