Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
