god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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