Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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