i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
