He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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