i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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