the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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