alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
