Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
