Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
