I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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