It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
