Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
