Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
