Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
