I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
