If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My vagina is officially offended.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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