all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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