do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
