you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
