I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There r osticjed everywhere
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Randomize
