I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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