Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
