Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
