i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
