Someone shit on the floor
We named our party play list daddy issues
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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