Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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