So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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