I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
