I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
