Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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