My balls are so social today.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
