Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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