i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
