i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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