Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
