Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
